Three Months On

The shit just got deeper.

It is very difficult to write about it without saying anything.  I found myself out of my depth in my job, cried out in all directions for help, didn't get it and then found myself, well, here...
I had a meeting with two people: one representing me, the other investigating me.  The outcome of those three and a half hours continues to dog me.  Minute by minute, hour by hour, my belief in my own abilities and my interpretation of the events that had led to this conversation trickled away.  I walked out of the meeting feeling a little shaky but still upbeat (I am incurably optimistic). Everything would work out for the best.

When I transitioned, I achieved something that I would never have believed I could have had: my self.  When I dismantled myself, I had to accept that a part of me would be missing.  That's where my new career came in: finding fulfilment in my work.  And for a year I found utter joy in it.  This year has been hell. Utterly awful.  When the shitstorm broke, all I could think was "Thank goodness the pain has stopped."

I no longer believe in myself as the professional I thought I had become.  I continue to smile, to keep busy, to pursue other opportunities, to talk to friends. But I cannot face stillness, the peace I used to experience in yoga sessions or my Quaker meetings: when I stop moving and smiling and doing, the awful self-doubt settles on me like a suffocating hood.  Zopiclone occasionally helps me to sleep, diazepam to function: I eke out a small supply and they serve as comfort blanket, to be used in the direst circumstances.

This sunny morning, as Spring (my favourite season) gets under way, I am in despair.  But I will get up, smile and busy myself.

NHS England feedback opportunity

*** Tuesday 26 November, 8 pm ***

NHS England want to have a 'Twitter conversation' with trans* people to find out how to improve their appallingly bad services. I'm posting this here, because I don't want this opportunity to speak up to be restricted only to people currently on Twitter. It's worth opening a Twitter account for this alone, even if you never use it again.

swiss army gender

Temporary change of PCT


I've got a friend who'll be changing PCT temporarily - they're hoping to take a break from their studies, so will be moving back in with their parents for ~6 months, in a different area of the country (hence a different PCT).

They've had their first couple of appointments at CHX and have been prescribed testosterone (via some shenanigans with GPs...). They're really, really anxious not to have to start this whole process over again twice in six months - unfortunately I've not actually got as far as a GIC yet so don't have any information for them on changing catchment area, but we'd really love some advice on the best way to handle this, if you know?

(We're currently thinking "just don't tell anyone they've moved" - their university address will continue functioning as a forwarding address for the duration. But obviously if there's a more above-board way of doing this, that would be preferable...)


Trans* Talk- New Forum

Hi there. Just wanted to tell you guys about a new forum called Trans Talk
Trans* Talk is a forum that lets people talk about trans* life/things/stuff/thought/etc, with other trans* people/allies/SOs/etc. It is also a place for allies and SOs to get information or advice and such.

Here are just some of the benefits of Trans* Talk

  • Talk to other trans* people!

  • Post about transition gear(including sales and give aways).

  • Post resources.

  • Learn and share information

  • Inclusive of all aspects of the trans* community

  • Great resource for SOFFA

  • Live chat! Talk to people now!

  • And much much more!

Sign up here!

Nebido Cycle

I got my second shot of nebido last week. I got it on Thursday and by Sunday night I felt off. I got really, really pissed off over something fairly tedious- I don't have a temper normally. I had to stop watching a somewhat sad documentary because I had tears running down my face- I almost never cry normally. All week I've not got to sleep before 3am, got up for work at 8am but not felt tired- I usually would feel like crap after one bad night and crash early the next. When I wake up my pits smell-they never did before.

Basically my hormones are pretty obviously out of whack in a way that feels all over the place more than strictly too high or too low T. I felt fine just before my shot, not like my levels were anything but where they should be and mid cycle bloods were fine. The worst of it (the emotional stuff) was gone mid-week so I think I am leveling out. I didn't have any of those problems with the first shot.

Normally I'd just go see my GP but with switching I've been taking more time off work to go to the doctors. Also my GP is helpful but clueless. She usually writes to the specialist to check before she does anything but the specialist is better at yes/no questions than giving out useful information. So I like to go to her with a suggestion of what needs changed because it makes the whole thing go quicker.

First I thought I'd check if that is normal on nebido? I guess it could beone of those things when taking a larger dose that you can get a 'rush' while things level out. If that's not normal, dose switching to 14 weekly instead of 12 sound like a good suggestion?

x-posting to FtM so sorry if you see it twice


a trans woman friend of mine is currently being sectioned, and they won't let her shave because of a "blanket ban" on razors, even if she's supervised by a staff member. The staff know she's trans, but the other patients don't and it's highly likely them finding out will make her mental health/situation a lot worse.

Any legislation/NHS regs that would be useful to throw at the staff to get them to make an exception?
Door sign

Top Surgery: How often/closely did you check on things post-op?

On Friday 9th I had top surgery - double-incision. Seemed to go well, out of hospital next day and recovering at home. I'm taking the painkillers I was given and avoiding heavy lifting, am mostly just in discomfort from the surgical binder.

But... I'm paranoid. I'm not great with medical stuff which doesn't help, but I keep being convinced the tenderness in my sides is something Gone Horribly Wrong instead of just "I had major surgery and I'm wearing a tight surgical binder which is squashing my ribs".

The surgeon said not to touch the bandages at all until I saw him in 10 days time, and to keep the binder in place as much as possible (I'm struggling to figure out how to keep clean without harming bandages - awkward placement!) so I'm basically only taking the binder off to readjust once a day it when it gets too uncomfortable. I have a quick look over the bandages - there's no new blood or anything - so I'm assuming that and the fact I'm walking around means I'm doing OK.

But how much checking up did you do immediately post-op? How did you check? Any advice about being less paranoid here?

name change questions

when i change my name by deed poll, do i need to change my passport straight away? can i legally travel with my passport even when i change my name? is there a time limit for how long i can do that? it's always difficult for me to judge when will be a good time to be without a passport as i constantly need it. i do need to get my name changed though to sort things out at work...

also will i need to change my passport before I can apply for UK driving license with my new name, or can I send the DVLA a foreign driving license plus proof of name change via deed poll and get a UK driving license with a new name?
Door sign

Wilson D'Souza?

Does anyone have a phone number for Wilson D'Souza?

I'm in a situation where my GP is refusing to provide any assistance so I'm having to sort a lot on my own. I'm in email correspondence with Mr Yelland's secretary over surgery, and trying to find out the situation with funding. She's just asked me to contact him, saying he's with the "Southampton City Contracting Directorate" but putting that into Google gets me "No results found".

It seems like half of this is knowing who to contact, but it's a little frustrating not even knowing where to start!